HOW DOES ONE LEAVE PARADISE?

It's not always by choice.

When I awoke in the condo at Key West By the Sea the morning after Kerri left to head back to college in the states (remember, Key West is “The Conch Republic”), the room felt empty. Simon my dear cat, took it upon himself to sleep on Kerri’s pillow. I’m sure he misses her as she always gave him lots of love and big back scratches when she awoke.

It was a work day and I looked forward to going to work and sharing my week’s adventures with Marilyn, Jim and Edy at the Beach Club. I walked alone to work on the beach to another beautiful sun rise. I knew somewhere in my heart, I would miss these sunrises and sunsets most of all if I ever had to leave the Keys. I thought of our fun and could still hear Kerri’s laugh. She made me smile a lot and, at times, we even got the giggles like little girls in junior high school. Such a pleasure and how I miss her.

Key West Sunrise - storage.googleapis

I thought about Kerri often, and my future. I knew I was missing out on time with my kids, who were becoming adults so quickly. The guilt was beginning to find an uncomfortable space in my heart. Was I being selfish to stay here in my paradise? Being a single working mom, raising my two children for much of my life divorced, I never thought much about how fast my life was passing while I was away from them. I worked and wanted them to have the things our neighbors had for their children. My husband said “You’ll never make it by yourself.” I had to prove that I could and would support my children as a working mother. Without alimony to speak of, I bought them TVs and stereos for their rooms, computer games like Pacman and Atari, a good home in a safe neighborhood with a secured greenway where they could walk to and from school in the neighborhood. The kids always had friends nearby and were growing away from home each year, as the teenage years hit. When they were secure in their lives as adults, and my life went into a free-fall, I had to get away and get my strength and confidence back. I didn’t want them to worry about me; they were creating their own world. And when we spoke on the phone during my travels, they sounded happy and confident that their lives were going in the right directions. They allowed me to feel free and find my own happiness.

Now I realized I loved paradise and my life in the Keys, but I wasn’t sharing it. I’d see a sunset or sunrise and felt sad I couldn’t share it with someone I loved. I found being alone just reminded me how that wasn’t who I wanted to be. I missed being in love…and I’m not sure I ever experienced its true meaning. My husband was not affectionate. He was stable, he didn’t drink, I thought I had made the right decision. But romance was not his forte. And he was a controller. My two children were my gifts in my marriage. For that, I am grateful.

So, the old guilt bug had hit me. I continued to work and enjoy working as it wasn’t a job, but a pleasure to be outside and enjoy nature each and every day. I made some good friends who were kind and polite and fun, but most of my time was spent going from one job to another just to pay for food and my rent.

A couple of weeks after Kerri left, Edy came down the steps to see me after I clocked out of work about 4:00. She looked stressed. “We need to go see Cindy! I’ll run you home so you can clean up a little.”

“Right now? What’s the occasion?” I asked.

“Well, it’s her 40^th birthday…but that’s not it unfortunately. She is in the hospital and is dying. They don’t think she will make it through the night. Her organs are shutting down from her disease. She has asked all her friends to come and see her at the hospital so she can say good-bye…”

“Oh, my God. I’m so sorry, Edy. Cindy is such a trooper, always acting like everything is okay….I’m not very good at this stuff. I mean, I get pretty emotional and can’t stand to see a friend in such dire straits….”, I felt myself go numb as the tears started to drop slowly down my cheeks. I wanted to be anywhere but there.

“You will come with me,” Edy demanded in her captain’s voice. “She wants all of us there. She thinks highly of you. You need to do this for her,” she explained softly. “I know it’s hard. We’re doing it for Cindy.”

My heart went into shock and it felt like a rock frozen inside of me. I felt numb and disassociated with the moment. I guess it was adrenaline just to help me get thru this. Every since my grandfather died, and I had to go to a funeral home when I was very young to see him in his casket, I was unable to go to a funeral again. I just wanted to remember people as they were…not as they had to become. It was all just too final for me.

Edy took me to the condo and I climbed up the steps and cleaned up and changed my clothes. Edy waited for me in the kitchen where she was sharing the news with Annie.

“I don’t really know Cindy like you do, but some of my friends know her and told me about her illness. I’m sorry, Edy. And she’s only 40?” Annie asked in dismay. “How horrible….”

“Yes, this is her 40^th birthday. Our Bridge Club was to have a big party at her house today, and instead she was taken by ambulance to the hospital. They have done everything they can, but her kidneys are shutting down and there is nothing more they can do.”

Annie got up from her chair and gave Edy a hug. “I’m so sorry, honey. I know you’ve known her for many years.”

“Yes, and she is such a sweet person and has been so strong and self-sufficient through all of this for a long time. She never complained,” Edy said. She was being strong. I needed to follow suit.

“I’m ready, let’s go,” I said.

“You two take it easy. Send her my love. Just tell her ‘Annie, her favorite cook’ sends her love. She’ll remember me.”

“How could anyone forget who you are?” I chided. I had to break up the cloud that hung over us all.

“Ah, New Yorkers…how true, Katie,” Edy smiled a little.

“Pshaw!” declared Annie.

The ride to the hospital was almost unbearable. Edy said they were very close friends, as were most of the group in the card club that befriended Cindy. I tried to make small talk about how they met; how long had she been taking her fishing…things like that. But mostly we sat in a frozen cloud of silence. What more can you say? I was just trying to hold on to my emotions. Things like this shook me to my core. I was trying to be strong for Edy….and for Cindy.

When we got to the hospital, I said, “Damn it!” before I opened the car door.

“Damn it, indeed, Katie….” Edy retorted. That is the only swear word I ever heard Edy use since I met her….I guess I’m a bad influence.

We entered a small waiting room area that was connected to the room where Cindy lay, slightly propped up in her bed. She had a pastel pink sheet on her bed and looked almost angelic. She was talking animated to people who went to share their last moments with her. Everyone smiled and kept things light as if life would just go on as usual. They shared stories and kept the atmosphere bright.

“See, it’s not so bad, is it?” Edy assured me a she put her hand on my arm as I sat next to her, frozen in time. “That’s just Cindy, being Cindy. She has been thru so much pain, and I’m guessing she is now on morphine to keep her comfortable. Everything is all right with her now. There comes a time when you can only endure so much pain.”

“Wow,” is all I could say. The hospital in the sky is so final. The atmosphere was totally different than what I had expected. There were even 40^th Birthday Balloons floating around on her bed, and fresh colorful flower arrangements at nearby tables. Some people brought her stuffed animals to hold onto. It was beautiful in such a sad way. Before it was our turn to go in and see her Edy introduced me to some of her friends. There were no family members there. Everyone visited and joked about their Bridge games as if it was just another day together. Just as Cindy would have wanted it.

I entered with Edy when our turn to visit finally came. “Hey, ya’all. So sweet of you to have come over,” Cindy said in a weak southern drawl.

“Last, but not least,” Edy replied.

“Did ya’all catch any big ones today?”

“You know, we didn’t even get out on the boat today. But, you know me. I know that big one is out there waiting for me. That’s the thrill that keeps me coming back,” Edy replied.

“Edy, of all the things I will miss, it will be fishing with you on the Grunt Bucket. Those were some of the best days of my life. It was so sweet of you to drag me along.”

“Oh, please, honey. I loved having you as my Mate. It is sure a lot more fun than getting frustrated playing Bridge,” Edy replied. “The best part of the Bridge Club was getting to eat your homemade Peach Cobbler afterwards.”

“Indeed. I almost decided to learn how to play just so I could join in on that treat,” I interjected. “By the way, I saw Annie this morning and she sends all her love your way.”

“Oh, that old New Yorker! She’s a pretty good cook you know. I love to hear her talk. She just tickles me pink, when I can keep up with her. What a character!”

We all laughed.

“Katie, thank you for being my fishing partner on the charter boat on weekends.”

“It was my pleasure! I loved going with you! We had fun.”

“And I’m so happy you are here to go fishing with Edy. She loves to tell our group your fishing stories when we all get together. We’ve had lots of laughs over those tales. Heck, I was even involved in some of them!”

“You sure were. It’s not easy holding down my job as Co-Captain, that’s for sure. And Captain Edy knows I will do all the cleaning or whatever is needed if I want to spend another day with her on her little yacht.”

“You’ve got that right,” Edy agreed. “You do a fine job and follow orders, pretty well.”

“I have no choice. You are my favorite pastime. I’m no fool,” I agreed. “And what do you mean by ‘pretty well’?”

“I’ll miss you two,” Cindy said and sat up a little and took our hands. We learned over and each gave her frail body a hug.

“I sure hope they have a big ocean up there in heaven waiting for me, with all new tackle and a nice little boat. I’ll hire a captain and a crew so we can just live on it forever,” Cindy said.

It took all I had to hold back the tears. Finally Edy said, “We need to make room, I see some more of your buddies wanting to get in to see you. I’ll miss you so, Sweet Cindy. You are one of my most favorite people on this planet.”

“And one of the kindest people I have ever had the pleasure to know. Save me a spot on your boat, Ms. Cindy,” I added.

“Tulips Last Fling” - (Cindy/Edy/Kate) Artist Kate Cassidy.

We left the room and the scent of the flowers filled the air to help me think of something else besides the pain in my heart at such a loss. I just will never understand why such beautiful people leave this earth so early. God knows, we need them here.

“Bye, ya’all. I love you both….” were the last words I heard and she gave us a small weak wave as I looked back and gave her the best smile I could come up with under the circumstances.

When I got back in the car with Edy, after we both used tissues to wipe our tears, I said, “My daddy always said when he’d come to visit when I was a little girl ‘saying goodbye always means getting to say ‘hello’ again’. I guess, Edy, that’s not always true, is it?”

“He knew you would grow into the truth one day soon enough, Katie. I give him credit for finding an answer to keep his little girl happy during sad times,” Edy acknowledged.

“I adore my dad,” I admitted.

“Missing You, Cindy” - Publicdomainpics

(Author’s Note: Dear Cindy Brown, Rest In Peace. I can only pray Heaven can give you the paradise you experienced in Key West.)